#10

Familiarity can be lovely.

It’s that warm, cozy feeling I get when I’m wrapped in the embrace of someone who loves me. Where I’m safe, and everything is alright.

There’s an ease to familiarity.

After a day of chaos and otherness, it’s that sigh of relief when I step into my home, my safe haven.

But familiarity can also lull me into a false sense of security.

For me, familiarity was once an abusive relationship. It was the devil I did know. Because the unknown wasn’t familiar, I was convinced it would house something even worse - an altogether unknown devil.

The problem is that the unknown might be concealing something beautiful, good, or better than familiar. Something safe.

But I didn’t know that before.

I didn’t know anything about boundaries or what a healthy relationship between two flawed people should look like. I confused familiarity with goodness. I didn’t realize what’s good can be familiar, but what is familiar is not always good.

It’s so apparent to me now. But it just wasn’t then.

I mistook cruelty for the messiness of humanity.

I wanted to be gracious. Forgiving. A good girlfriend. A good person. I didn’t realize how misplaced these aspirations were. I didn’t know how important it was for the person on the receiving end to strive inwardly toward the same things.

Or maybe I just assumed everyone has an innate desire to be a better version of themselves daily.

But in this instance, that wasn’t the case. He aimed to put as much distance as possible between who he pretended to be and who he actually was. Unfortunately, my presence in his life made him face who he truly was, far more than he had ever wanted.

I thought if I held up the mirror gently enough, he would finally see the truth and be compelled to change. But that never happened.

I look back, and I realize I labeled familiarity as good. If it felt familiar, it was safe. But there’s so much in this world that is familiar and yet unsafe, familiar and not where I’d like to lay my head down.

I learned that difference the hard way. But I don’t blame my younger self, not anymore. I won’t hold her feet to the fire for not acting on things I only know now.

Instead, I will move forward with what I’ve learned. I will trust myself and the gut instincts that I may have ignored before. I will listen to the gentle Voice within. Regardless of my familiarity with it, I will question unapologetically whether something is right or good. I will love myself and others well. I will show compassion and rely on that gentle Voice inside to point me back to my true North when my boundaries get blurry.

I will still choose grace and forgiveness but live them out differently.

I’m not grateful for all that I experienced, but I am grateful for what I’ve learned.

And I’m beyond grateful for what the unknown held.

Ended up being the exact opposite of a devil.

In fact, I call him my angel.