#4

You know those dreams I have?

The ones I’ve worked really hard to hide away, even from You.

They’ve been on my mind a lot lately.

And it’s weird because, for years, I’ve said, “it hurts to dream.”

I thought hiding or denying my dreams was the best way to protect myself. Amidst so many things out of my control, I could protect myself from the crushing weight of unfulfilled hope.

But now, I find myself dreaming. No interruptions of logic or protests from the painful reality. Even in the darkest moments, when the future used to be impossible to imagine, I now find myself edging toward the silver lining of dreams, losing myself in them like a sweet, hopeful abyss.

I’m dreaming of things I want to do, places I want to go, and experiences I want to live out.

What’s incredibly bizarre, though, is that, while I gave the order for the walls of protection to go up around my heart’s deepest desires, I never gave the order for them to come tumbling down. It’s like a silent force crept in and started to deconstruct the walls surrounding my dreams so slowly I had no idea it was even happening.

One day I was actively protecting my fragile heart. Then, suddenly, protection wasn’t my responsibility. And I don’t even know when it happened.

I’d question how, but it’s got to be You, right? Only You pay close enough attention to watch and wait, biding Your time. Ever the gentleman, never overstepping my boundaries.

I am curious about the ‘when,’ though. The moment I let my guard down enough for You to get in. Mainly because I’m thankful You did, but also because I’d like to be able to look back and go, “That was the moment. That’s when my inner Dreamer was freed.”

But I’ve got to be honest, the timing seems off, Papa. Bordering on unfair. Living seems further away than ever before, yet, the darker it gets, the louder the desire to LIVE reverberates in my soul.

Part of me is enjoying this newfound freedom to dream. The other part, though, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Calculating just how much damage this freedom will do.

My dreams are longings that I can’t fulfill, and it terrifies me to admit that I want things I have no way of achieving on my own.

You waited out my refusal to dream with impressive ease and patience. And now that You’ve managed to open the floodgates, I can’t pretend I’m okay with my unfulfilled longings. I want fulfillment so badly it almost hurts.

I believe there are things You want me to desire so profoundly that You hand-place them in my heart, tethering them to my soul. I think this desire for fulfillment is one of them.

But the actual fulfillment – it’s based on a timeline I don’t hold. It’s something I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I don’t have the capacity to accomplish. I know because I’ve tried. Every option, from the scientific to spiritual, I’ve pursued. I think You’re honored by me doing my part. Along the way, I’ve found certain avenues that have made the pain of this season survivable and bearable. In that way, You’ve honored me.

I’ve never held the keys to this timeline, no matter how I tried to convince myself otherwise.

Of course, You already know this. You’ve been with me all along.

You were there to observe the first brick I laid – one of many – to build my walls of self-protection. You clocked the moment my subconscious tricked me into believing protection of my heart and my longings was my responsibility. Did You want to correct me right then and there? Reorient my thinking? Remind me that protection is Your job, safekeeping hopes and dreams Your specialty?

I say, ‘timing is everything’ but with such flippancy that it reads as an excuse instead of a reason. Used as something to placate discouragement instead of something to ignite hope because the very existence of timing alludes to there being a purpose.

What if dreaming is a pivotal step in Your timeline of longings to be fulfilled?

I mean, You’re meticulous. You care about every detail. You can even work my mistakes and misunderstandings into the good You’re doing.

I’m sorry I spent so much time pretending to protect myself, fearful of dreaming about the future. But if Your timing is as infinite and fluid as You are, I know my fear didn’t set You back.

Your timing allowed for my stalling, and planned for it to be a stepping stone.

So I step, and I wait.

Song of the Day: Don’t You Give Up On Me by Brandon Lake