#8

I’m a rebel.

It’s been quite the process to get to this point – the point of owning it.

And You and I both know it’s not simply because I chose to own it.

A war within me kept me from fully surrendering to You. I wanted to preserve my inner rebel, but I wasn’t sure You’d want the same thing.

Over time, though, You gave me a new perspective. You told me, “Come as you are. Exactly as you are.”  You knew something I didn’t know then, but I do now.

Surrendering my will to Yours was absolutely one of the most rebellious things I’ve ever done. I had to defy every bit of human instinct that told me I needed to maintain control. And it takes my inner rebel to do it again every day when I wake up.

Surrender didn’t change who I was – it just meant I was handing my whole self over to You. For You to influence, shape, and utilize in whatever ways You saw fit.

Pushing boundaries still feels necessary to me. Rejecting beliefs that don’t pierce my heart with conviction continues to be an instinctive response. But I’ve begun to see how You can and have used the defiance inside of me.

With each crushing blow of heartbreak, rejection, disappointment, and disillusionment, my inner rebel has become more determined to rebel, not against You, but against the lies that threaten the truth You’ve taught me.

The lie that I’m unworthy of receiving unconditional love.

The lie that I can’t hold grief and joy inside of me simultaneously.

The lie that I must not be Yours because bad things don’t happen to a child of God.

The lie that I’m disqualified because of the limitations I face or mistakes I’ve made.

The lie that I’m defined solely by the pain of my experiences.

The lie that it’s too late for You to move.

Tapping into my rebel side, I’ve rejected these lies and clung to Your truth. I’ve dared to be joyful, knowing if I can’t shift my circumstances, I can shift my perspective.

Perspective really is everything. Especially the one You give me. I can use it as a lens for every single part of my life and get to know You better in the process. As I’ve walked with You moment to moment, day to day, You’ve taken the rebellion at the core of who I am and used it to serve Your purposes for me.

I may not be exactly who I used to be, but I’m still me.

And You made me exactly who I am. You’ve directed my rebellion at the darkest aspects of my own humanity. And I’ve continued to rebel against the ongoing and overwhelming desire to resign myself to human tendencies and instead keep choosing surrender.

There I was, convinced I’d have to lay down my rebel heart in exchange for a more adherent one. And there You were, reminding me things aren’t always as they seem. You’re not formulaic or predictable. You shock me as much as You challenge me. I thought I had to be one way, but You knew the way You made me to be.

I’m a rebel who believes in surrender because I know the Rebel who surrendered first. Your sacrifice paved the way for me.

You defied and continue to defy human expectations. You take my rebellion and say, “I can work with this.”

Has my rebel heart changed?

Absolutely. It burns for different reasons than it once did.

But it’s just as defiant as ever.

Song of the Day: WILD THINGS by NXTMIKE, adriansings, TRAPSHIP COLLECTIVE